To be close to the Lord: nothing in life compares to sitting at his feet. A weary heart finds itself bursting with life.

Last night, a pastor said "God has a certain way of reminding us of how weak we really are." Today, I get to ponder firsthand the reality of that statement. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ... that saves a wretch like me. Lord, let me not run away from you, but straight into your arms. I went to a black (african american) church last night, and it was awesome. I didn't expect it; heck I had no idea what I was walkin into. But God is cool and he authors the paths of his children. There's a powerful grabbing-on-to-God faith, a Lord-I-need-you-so-badly intensity that black churches tend to have. The service was overall going pretty nicely, all were having a good time, worshiping God, doing what we do in church. About halfway thru, things got a bit ... different. One organ, one drum set, and a hundred hungry souls = wow. The choir wound up a beautiful beautiful recklessly powerfully raw (thanks Grace) song of praise, and afterward, everyone just kept clapping and dancing with the organ and drums. Man, talk about a Holy Ghost party. The Holy Spirit was really moving in us and among us. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom," and God was moment by moment freeing and unrestraining our souls to cry out to him and get with him. Things get serious when people are unashamed to get undignified before God. I love praising God with song and dance and lifted hands, but last night really brought something fresh and new into my life that I'll not soon forget. Sometimes in church, its easy to be self-conscious, as a result, I try not to worry about the people around me and tune out to focus on and engage with God. Last night's experience was more about noticing the people around you actually brings you into focus with God ... joining into the stream of rejoicing - all pointed heavenward. There's something so beautiful - such an overwhelming awareness of a greater Glory. Instead of becoming small in order that God will be big - anxious of drawing attention to ourselves, instead, God is so real and so big, so awesome and so glorious, that we can freely praise God however the Holy Ghost is moving on us, and none of our individuality is stripped away, instead is magnified to the glory of God. And none of the glory is taken from the Lord, and how could it be, when the Lord is so glorious? Yeah. Awesome. Of course, needless to say, there's different strengths and revelations within different streams of the Body of Christ. I'm so glad and blessed to have participated in last night's service. Jesus says, blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn ... because to those who are most broken with sin and pain will receive the grace of God to a greater degree. As a subculture in America, black people have had to deal with a lot of hardship. The quality of faith that has risen from the testing in the furnace of affliction - the quality of faith that has risen out of necessity, is apparent. Awesome. Thank you Lord for what you're doing. By your grace, Lord, pour out that intensity - the mighty power of rejoicing and thanksgiving in the face of trials, pour it onto your entire body. So intense ...

I'm thinkin about trying out Maxim's new hair color for men. You know, I'll feel a bit more secure about coloring my hair if I use a manly product. None of that foo-foo L'oreal Frosty Tips for Her kinda stuff. ^_^ 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... let's jam .... AND ... this might be old news to some, but I've just discovered that Cowboy Bebop is THE frickin - COOLEST - cartoon ever. Tonite on Cartoon Network, they've showed like 6 episodes in a row, and man its so entertaining. Even the intro sequence is tres-cool. It has a sort of Snatch (the movie)-ish feel, and I so dig that. If I can find some images, I'll definitely put them in the wallpaper rotation, and post a few here. Seriously, just the intro is the bomb. I love it. Wanna find it in MPEG format or something. The characters are so entertaining and ... you just sorta wanna see what happens to them. The soundtrack is just totally awesome, so catchy. With overall jazz/blues influences, it inspires you to put on the fedora and tap the feet. And the Japanese out-tro is teh winner! At the end of each episode, they show a phrase that sort of sums up the story in a dry humor way, and its pretty well written. Here's a quote from CmdrTaco (of /. fame?) about Cowboy Bebop:

Perhaps the most acclaimed anime series in recent years... but why? Is it the entertaining charachters? The wonderful designs? The fluid animation? The jaw dropping music? The compelling story? I couldn't begin to tell you all the reasons that this series is so amazing. But watching Faye, Spike, Jet, Ed, and Ein all meet up, wander about in their world, and interact is just a joy. If you haven't seen this series, then you're missing something truly special. Start at the beginning: there are 26 diamonds contained here. Enjoy. --CmdrTaco

After I got home this evening, I watched the very end of John Q with my dad. He's a man who gets to a make-or-break point in his life, and he chooses to be dangerous for his family. He sets his face with steely resolve, hardens himself despite fear and doubt, and totally goes for it, simply because, there is no alternative. It's live or die time. He's a father who, when it comes down to the wire, is willing to take it on the chin for his son. There was something really inspiring about the movie, something that felt very familiar to me, the whisper about the character of God. Afterward, I sat down and wrote this: "Lord, you validate me, and make me into that man [of courage]. Because that's your character [willing to be dangerous]. Because you're my hero and I want to be like you. You are unafraid to take it on the chin, to risk humiliation and disgrace for the ones you love. And so I will walk in your footsteps, because you're my hero."

The other night, I saw a guy named Mark Chironna on TV. He's a mail reader. I mentioned what I saw to a fellow co-worker, Bob, over lunch, and boy, was I surprised by his response. I guess I just assumed that Bob probably wouldn't be familiar with what I described. He told me that at his church, West Oaks Fellowship, there is a man who has what they sometimes jokingly refer to as a "parking lot ministry." Apparently this man is quite different from your run of the mill everyday joe. He has inside of him large chunks of scripture. Most Christians memorize a verse or two here and there, this guy has somehow gotten large chunks of the bible inside himself. Memorized entire chapters and books. All living inside of him now. Eaten. This guy seemingly spends more time in the parking lot of the church than inside the walls. He'll randomly strike up conversations with people who are headed inside, "Hi there, how are you today?" Whenever Bob talks to him, he gets the very vulnerable and naked feeling that this man is able to his see insides, and all of Bob's thoughts and the secrets of his heart are laid bare. And apparently he's gifted at not only bringing these issues to the surface, but also lovingly helping people work thru these issues. What an awesome and powerful gift to the body of Christ. I think of what happens when people give themselves to a lifestyle of surrender and worship to God, and day by day, step by step, they grow into intimacy with the Father. And the Father doesn't withhold his secrets, but he allows his children to lean against his chest and listen to his heartbeat, just as John the disciple did, "the one whom Jesus loved." He whispers intimate secrets to those he trusts. According to Bob, this man is sometimes invited to minister to the youth at church. His teaching style is best described as unique. Anyway, its just so cool and weird how these things come together. Bob is an older guy at my workplace, who loves God a lot, but I'd have never expected to hear a story like this from him. Thanks.

The woman said to Him, "Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw." Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come here." The woman answered and said, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You have well said, "I have no husband,' for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly." The woman said to Him, "Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, and you Jews say that in Jerusalem is the place where one ought to worship." Jesus said to her, "Woman, believe Me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." The woman said to Him, "I know that Messiah is coming" (who is called Christ). "When He comes, He will tell us all things." Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am He."

Sometimes, when I'm just hangin' out, thinkin about life and chillin with God, I'll feel the eyes of the prophet upon my own soul. I see the steady gaze of Jesus into my own eyes and I feel weak in the knees because I know that he KNOWS. In that steady gaze, all my folly and weakness is laid out. In the very moment when I realize I could so easily be crushed, I instead find healing for all my wounds, and forgiveness for my sin - like cool water to a parched and beaten man. The gaze isn't one of condemnation but of righteousness and tender love. And he always says to me, time and time again in that moment of nakedness and vulnerability, "Take courage, my son."

One of the greatest mysteries of life is that life is a mystery. The human mind, particularly the western mind, has an insatiable desire to explain everything. All things must be explained, all things must be understood, broken down to their bare essentials, and then broken down even further. The questions are always there, Why? and How? What I find very scary and very liberating is to relinquish control. To let go of the need to know why. To trust. And not just in a general, "ok, I'll never know so instead I'll guess I'll just trust," but to really really let it go. Completely just not know, but trust anyway. It doesn't make sense, it might seem foolish, it might cost, but heck, what do I really have to lose anyway? Heh. Its funny, this experience of living in a world and knowing God, and living with people who don't know God, and trying to reconcile the differences and the similarities. The thing about a heart that is in pursuit of God is that the path that God takes us on is completely insensitive to the demands of the world. So, the people around us tend to scratch their heads, huh? what in the world is this guy thinking? But the frickin amazing thing of it all is this: two things that don't belong together end up together- mystery and peace. The mystery of not knowing what the future holds. The mystery of not knowing why things have progressed the way they have, why my circumstances are the way they are, and why I am the way I am. The mystery of not even knowing what today holds. And in the midst of all these unknowns - surprisingly is PEACE. When the whole world is fighting for control of their lives, endlessly attempting to manipulate the circumstances around them. Striving for a sense of security, to be masters of our own destiny. Hungry for love, looking for someone to satisfy the longing for intimacy, or perhaps, disappointed by people, then seeking something that satisfies. Or, eager for success, because money does bring the power to control our future outcome, and it gives security and happiness, and well ... you know, everyone else is doin' it, so why shan't I? Yet the soul who has tasted and met the true and living God - the storms might swirl around, the proverbial poo may be hitting the fan, even when the tragedy of tragedy strikes ... the soul who knows God begins to understand every day that there is no such thing as control. And in that is an unquenchable peace. The peace of knowing a love that is unchanging. A love that is constant, not changing and shifting like people who are imperfect, and relationships that disappoint, but is constant - the only true foundation that can be stood upon and the only thing that never changes. Not with circumstances, not with our behavior, not with anything. A compelling love that exchanges God's abundant life for my life of sorrow and frustration. A love that continually and overwhelmingly pours out itself to cover over and flow into the objects of his affections. Not a one time deal, in a distant past story of someone else's life, but a here and now and forever abiding love. This awesome love that begins to paint a different picture, that wooes us and summons us and beckons us away from the temporal, from what will inevitably disintegrate and *poof*, and instead, beckons us and calls us toward something unseen, yet so unbelievably real, so pure, so relieving to the thirstiest of souls. And so the God of the universe invites each of us, personally, to give up the things that we can't keep, in order to find the things that we can never lose, can never be taken away, that reside in the very depths of our being. Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

"God never ceases to speak to us, but the noise of the world without and the tumult of our passions within bewilder us and prevent us from listening to him." - Fenelon

A eugoogley: Just because male models are God's most perfect creations, with chiseled abs and stunning features, doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. And about the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too architectural model: WHAT IS THIS?! A CENTER FOR ANTS?! How can you expect kids to learn to read if they can't even fit in the building!

Two Sundays ago, on the way into the church service, I stop by the young adult ministry table and see a flyer, Sky Diving. Yeah, I think to myself, that definently sounds like my kind of thing. With that, I filed it into the back of the mental filing cabinet. Come the following Thursday, at the young adult meeting, The Portico, I find that the deposit for the jump is $50, and that that very Thursday was the last day to pay the deposit. Thinking, thinking, pondering, should I go, should I not go? ... mmmm, nah. By now, I was feeling slightly indulgent for having too much fun in life (it can't possibly be this good! this much enjoyment is illegal, isn't it?), having just gotten back a week before from a wonderful Alaskan cruise. On a whim, I checked my wallet, and found I had 3 bills, two 20s and a 10. Hrm, that equals ... umm ... $50 on the spot. Dang, this is awfully compelling now, what are the chances I have that exact amount on my person? I think, could God be opening the door for more cool stuff in my life??? Eh, or maybe this is just my flesh seeking more thrills? I know that God is for me, and not against me, but I'm so used to beating myself up over these years (self-critical personality), that I still often find it difficult to simply believe and trust in the kindness and goodness of God, and in particular, toward someone like me. Even in expressions such as this. In the meantime, I meet a new friend at the Portico named Willy. We brought up the upcoming sky diving event, and Willy mentions to me that he really wanted to go sky diving this time, but unfortunately he came into some unexpected financial troubles. The service starts, and on and off during this time, I try to pray and discern what God wants me to do in this situation. Finally, I come to the point where I'm like, OK, I've really been having a boatload of fun recently, I think I can pass up this opportunity (even though I'd really really kinda like to go do something crazy). God, if I see Willy again tonite, I'll pay his deposit for him and he can go have a good time. I believe I have exactly $50 for your reasons, so may you fill and bless his time there. After the service, I look to and fro for brother Willy, but he's nowhere to be found. Hmm, so now what? God, thank you, if you want me to go! But, umm, can you give me some sort of confirmation or something? I decide to pull aside an awesome young lady named Theresa, who was my prayer partner during prayer time and ask her, "Can I ask for your discernment on a matter?" and proceeded to explain my desire to go. She gets an OK signal. I find amazing the very simple truth that God knows us intimately, the desires of our hearts, and the way we've been created - he knows me! And he authored a path for me to go jump out of a plane, because he made me just a little crazy like that. Anyway, that's the short long version of how this happened, and so today, waking up at 4:30 in the a.m., I head out for my date with gravity. ... and so ... I just jumped out of an airplane from 14,000 ft. today. What a rush! Also bought a video tape of my jump and met a lot of very wonderful people.

E-mail wars! Back to back in my yahoo mailbox: From Amazon.com: Important test at Amazon.com

Starting today, as a long-term test, you can get Free Super Saver Shipping on orders over $49. Previously, only orders over $99 qualified. Reducing the ordering hurdle to $49 makes it much easier for customers to get free shipping--more people will qualify and qualify more often ...

the very next e-mail, from Buy.com: HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Dear Eric, Amazon claims they 'lowered the hurdle' with their free shipping offer….at buy.com we just ran that hurdle over with our free-shipping truck: Free Shipping with NO MINIMUM PURCHASE.

That ... is funny! One-ups-manship at its finest. On the e-mail note, I've been getting the klez virus in my inbox pretty frequently, all from mail.utexas.edu. Wonder if anyone else is seeing a lot of that?

Work is really really boring today. I'm not sure why this happens - the ups and downs. I have a few issues to work, but they seem so terribly inconsequential (He who is faithful with little is also faithful with much). I guess the better thing would be for me to learn to appreciate even these too. Anyway, out of my boredom, and the recent stink some of my female friends have made over certain teenybopper heroes and their oh-so-interesting dating lives, I took an AIM poll, asking the question, "britney spears, hot or not?" (shows you how pathetically poor work is today) Now, I personally find her quite unattractive. I thought my tastes were more or less mainstream, but let's see what the polls have to say ... check it out:

THE MEN: frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? DuaneKnesek: y DuaneKnesek: talented? N frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? alveysinger: very hot. i own the las vegas show dvd. it's a permanent fixture in the dvd rotation. frenchiesmustard: HAHAHA frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? ja5on y3h: hot, in a not kind of way ja5on y3h: but over all hot frenchiesmustard: wait, what? ja5on y3h: hot! frenchiesmustard: ok frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? chinawildman: hhhhot frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? DjDruhill: afraid not frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? dgoh78: hot dgoh78: sex appeala frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? icuclessi: HOT! icuclessi: haha frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? ll vls ll: typical blonde girl frenchiesmustard: so, hot or not? ll vls ll: not I guess frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? momoboyy: HELLA HOT momoboyy: GO KOREA!! momoboyy: WOO HOO!! frenchiesmustard: HAHA! frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? AND9876: i went to see her in concert AND9876: she's pretty hot NOT MEN: frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? waysquared: hot! frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? ppt1020: hot as in her body? frenchiesmustard: *shrug* frenchiesmustard: in whatever sense you'd like ppt1020: well i think she's got a good body but she doesn't fit my definition of hot frenchiesmustard: britney spears, hot or not? almond milk tea: hahaha almond milk tea: uhm almond milk tea: in the middle almond milk tea: not as hot

Final count of today's informal poll: (male count)      HOT = 8      NOT HOT = 2 Ladies and gentlemen, the polls are closed, the count is in. Apparently I was very wrong. According to the registered voting block of My Buddy List (remember My Buddy? That freaky chucky-lookin doll with the catchy theme song that used to come on TV all the time? My buddy .... my buddy ... Wherever I go, he goes ... my buddy ... my buddy ... I’ll teach him everything I know…) Britney Spears is officially hot, by a landslide. *sobbing & weeping for humanity* By the way, I only counted the male votes because this entire poll stemmed from a discussion with Claire about the receptiveness of britney amongst men. The few female comments were thrown in for good measure, but not counted against the final total. I think my gripe with her alleged hotness is not so specific with britney, rather its the same gripe that some people have with much of top 40 music in general. It's way too manufactured (barf), way too packaged, and very unreal. Similiarly, britney has been handed an image to convey, and she's gone out and done a mediocre job of it. Nothing extraordinarily hot about that. On that note, thanks everyone for participating in the poll. May you guys have an awesome awesome day, and take everything here with a fat grain of salt. k thx bye.

It's good to be alive. Grace sends her shoutout to everybody from Dallas (yesterday) and Hong Kong today! She's very excited and having a good time so far. I really like writing, its such a wonderful thing, to express, to create ideas and pictures. I like haiku too, its fun to do, you should try it too, if your favorite color is blue, or you lost your left shoe. I'm gonna go eat and then write stuff on here later tonite. P34CE 0UT.

Musical Progression (or, Make Up Your Frickin Mind Buddy) (or, An Ongoing Nightmare in a CSS2 World)

legend: red genres have stayed in strong favor black genres are still nostalgic and acceptable blue genres have lost favor dates & eras may not be entirely even be remotely accurate

elementary school 1) the first song Wham - Wake me up before you go go; in Los Angeles,CA, watched with cousin wei-wei on MTV 2) 80s pop Michael Jackson, Def Leppard, Weird Al, Kokomo, Bobby Brown,etc; with cousin Andy 3) new wave Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Anything Box, the Cure, Depeche Mode, Tears for Fears, etc middle school 4) 90s pop Martika, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Milli Vanilli, etc 5) heavy metal Anthrax, Metallica, Megadeath, Judas Priest, Ozzy Ozbourne, etc (the skater days) high school 6) classic rock/hard rock Rush, the Doors, Led Zepplin, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Nirvana, Faith No More, etc 7) rap Cypress Hill (puff puff), Snoop, Dr. Dre, Ahmad, Ice Cube, Bone Thugs & Harmony, etc 8) mainstream (i.e. radio) house music "Sweet Dreams remix", Nightcrawlers, Artie the 1 Man Party, etc college 9) a bit less mainstream (i.e. non-radio) house music Sasha, Armand Van Helden, etc. 10) chinese music Faye Wong, Jackie Cheung, Alex To, etc. 11) trance Kay Cee, Paul Van Dyk, Chicane, BT, etc. 12) r&b and slow jams Peter Cetera, Babyface, Jon B, Luther Vandross, Maxwell, Jagged Edge, Art of Noise, etc. after college 13) nujazz acid jazz stuff (no idea who the artists are)

Daniel's at work with me today, and for lunch we went to the KSBJ brown-bag lunch at Chick-Fil-A on 1960. Watermark ...

Work is slow today, so I'll just jot a few thoughts before I head home. Had a wonderful time at church (yesterday) in the morning. Went to indoor rock climbing gym for the first time yesterday. It was pretty challenging- requires a lot of forearm and finger strength and endurance. I'm lookin forward to going back, and hopefully, to one day climb a real cliff. Just looking at the pictures at rockclimbing.com makes my heart beat fast and my hands sweat. Also tried my hand at mah-jong last night with some friends. Not for money or anything, just to learn it. Fun game. Got a lot of (big?) decisions to ponder and pray thru for the perhaps-near future. I'm reminded of that snippet I posted on my blog a few months ago by Hannah Whitall Smith, about being afraid of being in God's will. Of course it seems ridiculous when rationally thought thru, but I find myself drifting there lately regardless. Despite that, each day has been a great and wonderful experience of life. It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.