Hi there, I'm just enjoying the evening. You know, I get sad whenever I click on my friend's web logs and they haven't updated in a week or so ... Things of interest that I've picked up on the web recently: 1) CodeWeaver (software development house) is releasing an application called CrossOver which allows Microsoft's Office to be run on a Linux machine. Pretty nifty. Lots of back n' forth as to the merits of such a thing. I personally thing its a Very Good Thing(TM). The lack of a Office compatible application on Linux was a huge hindrance to Linux being a fully feasible primary OS. Now, its one step closer. The lines are getting blurred ... The great thing about Linux and the OSS (open source software) community is that pretty much everything is $FREE. So I can use my computer without violating contracts on a daily basis. w00t. Guilt-free computing. 2) A man tried to eat his underwear to throw off a breathalyser test. Not too bright, but points for creativity ... 3) A 28 year old man who's life will never be "normal" (whatever that means), who has problems articulating his thoughts even through a computer medium - who lives off of about $300 a month, receives a computer pro bono (heh) from fellow members of a forum. Actually, the response to help him in his request (I'm poor, disabled, and I don't want your pity or compassion, but how can I get a better computer than this piece of crap I'm using??) was overwhelming. Here's his profile:

I Am A Christian Man, I Love All, And Hate No One. ( Hate the sin...not the sinner. ) I Am Disabled And Use A WheelChair. (I Have Muscular Dystrophy Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus (NPH) impaired memory loss of some brain functions But a still love life. God is so good to me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways take notice of Him, and He Himself will make your paths straight." You can accomplish more in one hour with God than one lifetime without Him. Jesus is a friend who walks in when the world has walked out.( PS: I CAN NOT TYPE TO GOOD DO TO WUT I HAVE )

Sometimes he gets frustrated and curses in anger and hurt. Other times he's overwhelmed by the sense of community available at Ars. He feels a sense of belonging and kindness. From people. What is it that draws out compassion and kindness from people?? As for real life (not web), my face is slightly swollen on my right side, and I don't know why. I'm also extremely tired (not sleepy) this week. Like my body is weary to the point of exhaustion, except long term. Things are certainly getting better, but its interesting to feel this way. A few people immediately advised that I go to a doctor. Perhaps. They're certainly looking for my best interest, and for that I'm extremely grateful. Are they listening to God for my healing? "Knowledge puffs up, love builds up." Interesting how the kingdom works. A person could talk and share and pontify until their lips fall off, about how-to-do-this, why-does-that-happen, but the fact is established - faith expressing itself through love is the method God has ordained. Sometimes, I worry about losing relevance. What if I get so into this pursuit of God that I one day I find that I can't connect with people anymore? I realize that just because the packaging says "God" or "Christian" doesn't make it a God-thing. God loves people and he also likes to makes his love known through people. "Love your neighbor as yourself." His character is always consistent. That's all. I'm gonna go relax now. Get some healing up in this body.

Version 2.0.1 of AIM+ is out. It's pretty schmooth. Fading transparency. No more memory leak. Message history galore. Yeah.

There's been something brewing and burning in my heart for a few days now. I'm not sure how, why, who or what this is for, but I believe that this is an appropriate channel for expression. So here it goes. This is concerning anyone who believes themselves to be disciples of Jesus Christ. I hear and see often that reading the Bible is a chore, that its difficult, and that its boring and irrelevant. I've experienced it myself. Why? The answer is so simple. It becomes boring and irrelevant for one simple reason: the person reading does not believe what they're reading. They don't believe it. They don't. They might mentally acknowledge it, but they don't believe it. I remember spending years in Sunday school and in church being BORED out of my mind. Loathing Sundays because I didn't want to hear this stuff. Why? It was irrelevant, seemed to not make any sort of difference in anyone's life at all, and was more or less an academic pursuit. Of which I truly believe is a vile vile thing. The things of God "taught" by the methods of school? School, the bane and burden of my existence? I cannot think of a better way to repel people. Theoretical mind games - no relevance to life. Does that mean we are not to use our minds? Of course not, God has given them to us for his purposes and his glory. But seeking the kingdom and truths of God as an exercise of the mind only is an absolute perversion. Hello, the only people who did that IN the Bible were the experts of the law, the scribes, and the pharisees. The kingdom of God belongs to those who would receive it like children. Who hear from God with simplicity - nothing complex, nothing hard to grasp - just a desperate need for a savior. Simple, beautiful truths that permeate all of life - not just some sick sort of classroom understanding. God literally SCARED me into believing. After being anesthesized into a drooling blind stupor by my church experience for years and years, suddenly and forcefully, God exposed me to the spiritual realities of the world. An unseen spiritual realm that is closely intertwined with the natural physical world. Demons, angels, spirits, powers, and principalities. Suddenly, all of which I had seen in the Word but never perceived struck fear into the deepest parts of my heart. Fear of reality. "Oh my God, it's all real!" Suddenly, I didn't care about WHAT anybody had told me I was supposed to know or think about God. It was apparent to me that they could quite obviously be wrong and not know what in the world they were talking about. When it comes to absolute truth, the nature of the game is that there's gonna be a LOT of people on this planet who will be very surprised that they were wrong when all is said and done. I understood that I am not exempt from that possibility, nor the people who had tried to teach me. I began to read the word in a simple way, tabula rosa - blank slate, leaving all my assumptions, all my prior head knowledge at the door. I read to see exactly what Jesus said. I read to see if what Paul said matched with what Jesus said. I was grieved and confused when I ran upon what seemed to be inconsistencies in the spirit of the message. I was SCARED and FEARFUL at the warnings of Jesus - those why cry, "Lord, Lord!" and Jesus would respond, "away from me you evildoers, I never knew you." Could that be me? Oh I think so and it scared me to the utmost! I was blessed and comforted by the thief who was promised to be in paradise with Jesus - at absolutely no merit of his own, only by the mercy of our Lord. I was amazed, curious, skeptical at the miracles and about the claims that Jesus made. This guy REALLY claimed to be GOD! Maybe he's just a guy who has a serious problem with humility and reality? I had stumbled upon a crisis of reality and it was decision time. It's true or its utterly bogus and bunk. But the last thing the Bible was was boring. It scared me to the depths of my soul. My church doctrine couldn't save me, nor did I want it to - only pleading with the savior for life could. It literally put me on my knees - tears, fears, doubts - and humbled me before God. It made me ask questions. "Whoever comes to me will never be thirsty again." Lord, WTF? What about me? Why isn't this true in my life? It comforted and healed me to see the character of our Lord and our God. Conceptions of a God who was impossible to please were both confirmed and destroyed. Confirmed in my flesh. Utterly destroyed by trusting in the saving power of the cross. Today, Christians are utterly CRIPPLED for the simplest reason. We don't believe the Bible. "Without faith it is impossible to please God." "Ask and you shall receive." "You do not have because you do not ask." "Blessed are those who mourn." "Is anyone of you sick? Confess your sins to one another. Have an elder anoint you with oil and pray for you and you will be healed." "Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest." "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." "You do not belong to yourselves, because you have been brought at a price." "Bless those who curse you... Love your enemies... If anyone asks for your coat, give him your tunic as well..." "Do not worry about tomorrow." What are these?? Fanciful theories? Suggestions? No. Trust in God and in his word, and the kingdom is ushered in forcefully and violently and things begin to change all around us- first in the spiritual realm, then in the natural realm. The sick are healed, the blind see, the captives are set free, the love of God begins to flow. First in us, then those around us. True freedom from anxiety, from the pressures of life. Of utmost relevance to every last person on this planet. By the way, don't get me wrong. The church is the body of Christ, ordained by God and absolutely necessary to the life of a Christian. Much of what I write is from a rapid change of perspective - from death to life - an immature view, I'm sure, and I've not been able to disassociate and clear up my past. But there is also a lot that is wrong with what we believe today in America and that is confirmed to be evident by the life of your average Christian. Also, some groups of believers are in better shape than others. I'm only sharing my experiences. I'm not going to hold back for the sake of politeness - I believe the truth carries much further than political correctness. If I make a dire mistake with my harsh words, Lord I ask you to forgive me and teach me, and reader, I ask you to forgive me as well and to pray for me. But hear the spirit of what I'm saying if you can, please.

Just wanted to check in and say hi. I've realized that I've not adhered to my original vision of having a web journal: to practice utter transparency and expression. I think I've been somewhat reserved and afraid to let it all hang out. So, I'll do my best to keep it simple and straightforward. Cousin Andy is in town, and its so nice and really encouraging to have the brother around. Nothing of particular interest at work today. I spilled some hot tea on my white shirt, so now I have a dollar coin sized brown stain on the front of my shirt. Ah well, I get to work on not being so self-conscious about the way I look. Keep things in perspective: even one week from now, no one would remember this, if they even noticed today. No biggie.

Hidden Blessings "... who struggles with sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" - Paul (2 Cor 11:29) "... but I say walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh." (Gal. 5:16) also Romans 6:12-14 also Hebrews 12:4 also 1 Cor 7:37 God's Hidden Blessings. I wonder why I'm so dissatisfied with the church in America. I've always felt somewhat awkward about it, as if I'm some young, arrogant, dissatisfied punk who is willing to complain but unwilling to lift a finger. I believe God revealed to me again the truth of Romans 8:28, that he uses everything for the good of those who love him. In my dissatisfaction, God has called me not to programs and not to actions unprompted by faith, not to titles, duties, or obligations, but to himself. I've tried to run instead to people, seeing the life of Christ in many around me, desiring that. Yet, one by one, God removed each of these people from my life that my soul would not be satisfied with just Godly people- only God alone. What other purposes has God/ is God/ will God fulfill thru such a strange thing? Who knows, but I bet they are too numerous to count. Also, in my struggles with sin - lust, pride, apathy, unbelief - but particularly with lust, I see that God has not stopped calling me toward himself. I know that God doesn't desire for me to be a neat, clean person - but a broken, utterly 24-7 dependant vessel. Not self-sufficient to do my own thing, but a jar of clay created for the master's purposes. He's not granted my victory over sin the way I have perceived and desired it - to strip away the lustful desires from me completely - but instead used them to show me the path to true freedom comes from a continual stream of surrender unto God. Your word has come alive and jumped into my heart, your promises fill me with joy and hope.

Check out AIM+. Removes ads, gives chat windows & buddy list alpha transparency, and adds message history. Schweeer. Schleemless intimegration. Oh, there seems to be a slight memory leak. That's not great for Win 9x users, but not so bad. What you don't no(tice) won't hurt you, right? Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't believe in any of this memory leak crap. You're in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a cookie. I promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.

Life is a gamble. And there is only one way to play. Bet ALL of the chips. We only get one shot. Place all your chips on the kingdom of God. Everything else is a guaranteed loss. What do we really have to lose anyway? And when you place the bet, have full confidence that this one will go all the way. With God, there must be no back-up plan. To have a back-up plan is to lose. Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. One foot in, one foot out will eventually tear us in half. All or nothing.

OH SHNAP. Maybe I should watch a movie or something tonite. Or just CHEEL out at home and read. Hrm.

Life is FREAKING GROOVY I tell ya. FREAKING GROOVY. Or it's all gravy, however you may like it. Bust your groove. Move it, the rear end. A game of horseshoes, you owe me a watermelon! There's a time for everything. Sometimes you just gotta feel alive. Do something insane. Like drive with your windows down. Oooooh. While it's raining. Yeah. Oh, the funny thing about prayer is that it really doesn't depend on how you feel. When God says, "ask and you will receive," I've learned that, believe it or not, that's exactly what he means. I was having this stupid unexplainable problem at work. Something was just not working. Repeatedly just not working. Finally, I prayed wholeheartedly, based on the work done on the cross, that it would work. Lo and behold, after one entire day of frustration, literally ten seconds after I finished praying, it starts to work. Maybe its just coincidence ...

These are two groovy tunes: Bobby Hughes Experiment - Sahara 72 Truby Trio - A Go-Go Carajillo Primavera in This proved to be quite the interesting weekend. Cong gave a presentation about setting lifetime goals and putting forth the effort starting now to achieve them. He pointed out that the average male lifespan in America is 75 years, and that the average age of the men in the fraternity is 20-25 years. Which would put us roughly at 1/3 of the way to our deathbeds, not accounting for accidents, wars, apocalypse, cancer, and any other numerous life shortening agents. One third of the way through our oh-so-short lives on this little green ball, and what are we doin? We're just getting started, baby. Cong's discussion revolved around making a career and fulfilling all of your ambitions and goals. That nothing is unattainable if you set your heart on it. While the career ambition part of it didn't seem particularly applicable to me (although it did set me thinking about some things), I really did appreciate the gist of the message. It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the Matrix, in the fight simulator, Neo vs. Morpheus. Morpheus tells Neo, "stop trying to hit me and hit me." Oh yeah, that is the essense of believing in something half-heartedly and believing in something with your entire being. So much so that you'd bank all of your chips in that corner. Life is short, so don't be stupid, but do let it all hang out. Go for broke, because what have you got to lose? What are you waiting for? Interestingly, at Mozart's coffee shop this weekend, I was talking about the excitement of squabbing against ducks (city not wild). I broke into an open vision of a scene from the Matrix: slow motion running at the duck and the duck running slow motion at me, suddenly we both take to the air and the mid-air battle ensues. My little figment-of-imagination reality was broken by the sound of laughter. Some guy at the table next to us says: Guy: "I'm sorry .. its just that that's the third time this week that I've heard a running-in-slow-motion Matrix analogy... hee hee hee" Me: "Oh I see ... heh heh heh" Guy: "And each time the topics are so unrelated." Me: "Yeah I was talking about fighting against ducks who fight back." Guy: "You know what I find really interesting about the Matrix? The book that Neo opens is supposed to be Freudian but the chapter is actually more Nihilistic, probably written by Nietchze." Me: . . . (silence) The book from which Neo removes the disk with the codes to give to Choi is called Simulacra and Simulation by French sociologist Jean Baudrillard and the chapter opened to is "On Nihilism." This guy's comments (at Mozart's) intrigued me for several reasons. Reason #1: It was pretty random. Reason #2: After the weekend of talking money, career, and life with several people, this is quite enlightening. I realize that everyone seeks something to be passionate about- something to pursue. For some, its about winning the game. What that game is can vary from person to person. For this particular guy at Mozart's the pursuit was intellectual. To know things, to digest philosophies, to understand what makes people people to know why people do what they do and things are the way they are. For many of my friends, the pursuit is one of money, or perhaps, the challenge of obtaining the green. My span of concentration right now is short. So I've lost that train of thought. But I'd like to write more about this later. In the meantime, life is way too short to hold grudges and to be petty. So don't hold grudges and don't be petty, m'kay? Cause in the end it might hurt other people, but the greatest damage will be done to those who are unwilling to let it go. Don't hurt yo'self foo. I'm posting this from Mozilla from a Linux boxen. Mmm looks weird.

Heading up to Austin today for a time of revelry, celebration, and missed time with old friends. Should be quite an interesting weekend. I hope for the best. Gonna eat some Sweet Tomatoes for el luncho. Mmmm. Salad du jour.