The sky looks so gray. And its cold outside. Not blatantly cold, but a real tangible cold, the kind that silently numbs your digits and penetrates into your bones. And its raining. Not a huge downpour, but just a sort of depressing drizzle. I sat in my car, waiting for the light to turn green, drifting away in random thoughts. Down the driver's side window, a solitary drop of water rolls halfway down ..... pauses for an eternity .... then continues onward to the bottom. Of all the rain and raindrops and water, this solitary drop forgot about everything else, held the entire universe captive ... .. wow, that looked like so much like a teardrop - a tear walking down the face of a person, shifting left, then right, then further down, with each contour, each delicate detail of a person's face. And then I notice the sadness in the person's eyes. And I taste the saltiness and bitterness of the tear on the corner of my mouth ... and its so weird, how intensely human sadness and tears are. some people think its a bad thing to cry, but maybe its a worse thing to not be able to cry. because among the things that separate and divide people, there are also those things that belong to every member of the human race; that are undeniable evidence that we're all the same inside, that no matter what kind of background we hail from, what kind of circumstances we live in, nobody is exempt from sorrow. maybe tears are some sort of validation of our frailty and humanity. they say, "congratulations, you are a bonafide human being." And God ... I think God gives all of us tears as a gift too, and maybe as a reminder of a future glory. I believe he really does see every tear, and even though sometimes we feel so much pain and so much hurt, or so alone, that God knows and he never forgets. Then I looked again at all the acts of oppression which were being done under the sun. And I saw the tears of the oppressed and that they had no one to comfort them; and on the side of their oppressors was power, but they, too, had no one to comfort them. So I congratulated the dead who are already dead more than the living who are still living.

Warning: boring stuff ahead ... My Yahoo fantasy basketball league has been an intense battle thus far this season. It's a rotisserie league with 9 teams, and the categories that are assigned pts are field goal percentage, free throw percentage, 3 pointers, points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, and turnovers. In the league, the person with the best rating in a category (i.e. most points, or least turnovers) gets 9 points, and the person with the worst rating in a category gets 1 point. So, the highest possible score would be 9 categories x 9 points = 81 points. presenting league thuglife ...

Standings		Details
Rank Team Pts 1 doveytime 57 2 KobeKiller 53 3 algae eaters 50 4 Yaaaaaaaaoza 44 5 kunalians 42 5 D.R.E.W. 42 5 K.O.B.E 42 8 Goodfellas 41 9 The Rockets 34
= on Yahoo! Messenger now

... and here is the breakdown of how we got our points so far:

Overall Points
Rank	Team		FG%	FT%	3PTM	PTS	REB	AST	ST	BLK	TO		TOTAL
1	doveytime		6	8	9	8	3	7	9	2	5		57
2	KobeKiller		8	9	7	3	1	4	5	7	9		53
3	algae eaters		4	2	1.5	7	8.5	8	8	9	2		50
4	Yaaaaaaaaoza		5	7	1.5	2	8.5	2	4	8	6		44
5	kunalians		7	3	4	6	6	5	2	5	4		42
5	D.R.E.W.		1	5	5	9	4	9	7	1	1		42
5	K.O.B.E		3	6	8	5	5	6	3	3	3		42
8	Goodfellas		9	4	6	4	2	1	1	6	8		41
9	The Rockets		2	1	3	1	7	3	6	4	7		34

Overall Statistics
Rank	Team	GP	FG%	FT%	3PTM	PTS	REB	AST	ST	BLK	TO
1	doveytime	144	.444	.784	155	2231	796	505	191	94	314
2	KobeKiller	134	.456	.824	116	1872	756	421	163	117	267
3	algae eaters	138	.436	.738	71	2203	941	538	190	140	356
4	Yaaaaaaaaoza	137	.440	.775	71	1829	941	405	159	135	313
5	kunalians	131	.452	.751	94	2187	844	492	136	110	344
5	D.R.E.W.	139	.410	.770	95	2602	821	600	171	83	398
5	K.O.B.E	139	.433	.773	119	2051	837	500	155	100	353
8	Goodfellas	136	.459	.753	106	1977	782	397	134	112	277
9	The Rockets	134	.426	.734	90	1818	896	420	169	108	281

... and my current team:

Players		Stats: Season
POS	PLAYER	GP	FG%	FT%	3PTM	PTS	REB	AST	ST	BLK	TO
PG	Tinsley, Jamaal (PG-Ind)	11	.386	.600	8	95	31	87	19	2	31
SG	Hamilton, Richard (GF-Det)	14	.462	.844	9	289	47	42	15	5	35
G	Williams, Jay (G-Chi)	14	.373	.564	12	152	59	76	23	2	36
SF	Garnett, Kevin (SF-Min)	15	.433	.768	4	318	203	80	28	25	41
PF	Webber, Chris (PF-Sac)	12	.490	.429	0	260	113	60	28	18	50
F	Abdur-Rahim, Shareef (PF-Atl)	12	.506	.839	7	257	91	39	15	6	30
C	Ilgauskas, Zydrunas (C-Cle)	13	.359	.796	0	238	113	31	7	24	34
C	Brand, Elton (FC-LAC)	14	.494	.706	0	232	170	37	15	44	44
Util	Kukoc, Toni (F-Mil)	12	.417	.649	21	145	50	46	22	5	17
Util	Jordan, Michael (SF-Was)	13	.470	.732	2	204	52	38	20	4	23
Bench	Delk, Tony (PG-Bos)	12	.421	.800	35	153	47	35	19	1	14
Bench	Williams, Jason (PG-Mem)	12	.396	.900	16	131	24	73	15	4	27
Bench	Stoudemire, Amare (FC-Pho)	11	.325	.735	1	78	72	7	7	17	18

Alright, I don't think I've ever written about this openly, but I think perhaps I should. I wrote this in my journal this morning. Why pray in tongues? When I wake up in the morning, often, I'm spiritually confused. I'm not exactly sure why I'm alive, what I have to do with God, or what God is up to. Very quickly, my mind will rush in and frantically fill in the gaps. I'm now operating off of yesterday's manna - going thru the motions because I don't know what else to do. Praying in the Spirit (1 cor 14:15) "edifies yourself" (1 cor 14:4). How?? By strengthening our spirit inside of us, the rest of our faculties (our body, our will, our thought-life), which normally easily overwhelm us, are instead brought under the submission of a strengthened spirit - which is in turn under authority and submitted to the Holy Spirit. Often, when praying in tongues, God will make simple and clear several things he intends for me to do soon. So, without edification, I find the following characteristics to be true - lack of God's vision & plan for my life (and instead I fill the lack with my own plans and do things my own way), lack of God's heart (an apathy and lukewarmness towards God and towards people), a lack of God's warmth and connectedness (instead seeking to fulfill the desire for intimacy from other places). Is praying in tongues the only way to edify ourselves? Certainly not. In my experience though, and also for many people I've met, it has proven to be a very quick and effective way to tune into God's reality, God's agenda - by bypassing our intellect, our will, our fleshly desires - and going straight to the Spirit of God. James tells us that the tongue is like a rudder, which controls a ship. Similarly, when we submit our tongue and offer our speech to God, the Holy Spirit will direct us as a rudder turns a ship, adjusting the things that may be off, and put us more accurately on God's course for our lives. Is praying in tongues for everyone? Anyone who wants a deeper relationship with the Lord, and believes what the bible says about spiritual gifts, it's available to you. Does God wish for this in your life? 1 cor 4:5 tells us, "Now I wish that you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you would prophesy;" Either believe God's word, or don't believe it - it's very clear and simple. Now, if you do desire a deeper relationship with the Lord, and for this tool that can edify your spirit, will then, God give it to you? Jesus tells us (Luke 11:11) "For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Again, the word of God is simple and clear. It is the heart of God to give good gifts to his children, and if we seek and eagerly desire the different gifts God has to offer us, he will not refuse us, but will pour out generously and continuously in our lives. The basis for receiving these gifts is a simple childlike faith (ask, receive. seek, find.), not by merit or spiritual heritage or maturity. If you have any questions, give me a call or e-mail me. God bless you!

If the son has set you free you are free indeed Sometimes when I wake up, I'll begin to pray and I haven't the faith (shing4 shing1) to know what to pray, or that God is listening, or that today will be a special day. One quick way to tear down this barrier is to do a spirit-check. Check your own spirit for things that seem off. Our spirit isn't some superstitious weirdo 6th sense (although perhaps it can be sometimes), but typically more of the things that are closest to home - the things our heart tells us is going on right now. So, I'll check what's goin on - feeling condemnation? Simply speak out, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ." "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." "if the son has set you free, you are free indeed." (eph 1) - "the kind intention of His will" fear or anxiety? "cast all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you." "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-control." needy, vulnerable? "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." "the Lord is my helper, what can man do to me?" "I will never leave you nor forsake you" etc. ... and on and on, and I find that God raises up the standard of his truth to combat "the accuser of the brethren." THEN, I find much more freedom in prayer. In this way, the word of God becomes living and active, sharper than any double edged sword, able to judge the attitudes of our hearts, and to divide our soul from our spirit. Oh yeah, Eph. 1 has some insanely powerful stuff. Recently, in a weekly prayer meeting, we've been dwelling on maybe 4-5 verses a week, and its so rich! soul foood 'mkay that's all.

it's late in the midnight hour ... and i'm sitting in the darkness where has the day gone? how will i spend my time will i regret what i've done or can it all be redeemed in the blink of an eye i've been given a spirit of self-control so i choose not to compromise i choose not to waste my time because there's a love that's better than life and i wanna live in that love all the days of my life my time - its not my own my every breath - a gift of love my actions - either burned to nothing or solid as gold i'm goin for gold baby

Man, I managed to watch a lot of movies today. Serendipity, Riding in Cars with Boys (or something like that), and part of Sugar and Spice. Its interesting how different Serendipity is from Riding in Cars with Boys. Serendipity is about faith, hope, and finding something divinely appointed in the midst of a realistic (?), chaotic world - the ultimate movie for dreamers. Riding in Cars with Boys is a very close-to-home kind of people-have-issues and we try hard to be what we're supposed to be and it doesn't ever seem to work out as intended kind of thing but we all make mistakes and learn along the way movie. A great portrayal of the messiness of life. The other movie was just sort of dumb. Cheerleaders who rob a bank. I caught the tail end of that movie. As for my life, well, things are not bad ... good even. Work is somewhat slow, but there are fast seasons and there are slow seasons, and well, work is work. Living with Cong & the boys has been great - every evening, there's something delicious on the table. And these guys are really wonderful company. God has really blessed me at Lakewood, and has been speaking to me about having a vision and giving birth to it thru steadfastness and patience. I'm really, really excited for the things he's gonna be doing in the future. "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness ... Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching. " God has been making these two verses from Hebrews a reality in my life over the last month or so, and I see the wisdom of his word and the fruit of obedience. In cultivating a lifestyle of frequent genuine Christian fellowship, I've discovered the less difficult route to growing closer to God - one that is not dry and difficult, but vulnerable & exposed to the Light, extremely encouraging, and full of life. That day is approaching.

so ........ bored ......... today .........

OK, so as a clarification to the last entry: I apologize for any harshness, criticism, or condemnation that might have resulted from what I wrote or quoted. My motive is never to discourage or say, "we're so wrong, we've missed the mark!" although my personality sometimes has a strong tendency to proceed in that direction. I'm sorry about that. I want to say that whatever our relationship is with the Lord, one thing is clear - he loves us dearly, and that the greatest part of belonging to him is that we can always trust in his faithfulness, patience, and kindness toward us. No matter how we choose to approach this life he's given us, his promises are totally clear - one, there is NO condemnation for anyone in Christ, two, our awesome God uses ALL things for the good of those who love him, and three - that he who began a good work in us will continue it to the end. That's the foundation of love that we can rest on, truly an anchor for our souls. Having said that .... We do face decisions and choices every day, and the Lord is so awesome - he gives us free choice on how we spend our time. In light of that, we are always rooted in God's kindness - there are good choices, and then there are better choices, and for those who are willing, there is God's best for our lives. And its this very reason why the apostle Paul says, "everyone who competes in the games go into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. " He's a focused warrior, man. Completely. Sold. Out. He KNOWS for what he runs for and he's goin for it, he's going to win this race. Paul is a man who's made the decision - "I'm goin for it, I've put my hand to the plow, and I ain't lookin back. I love you Jesus and I'll do anything you ask. Here I am Lord, send me!" I've seen many many Christians whose lives have settled into mediocrity, where the "weeds of the cares of life" have come in and choked the life of God, where the forgetting what is behind and pressing on for the goal has been replaced by a coasting thru till its time to go home. A life where the sweet communion and connection with the Lord is cut off and replaced by the dull drone of worldly affections. And in my life, making the choice to coast on instead of pressing into God's kingdom inevitably allows me to be moulded into the world's hands. The mystery of it all is that pressing into the kingdom of God often requires a rather difficult choice to simply rest and wait before God. Ironically, letting the peace of the Lord reign in our hearts can be the more difficult choice of our will, and coasting on in fatalistically (the whole God loves me but I can't help what happens) leads to dissatisfaction and emptiness of soul. We are exhorted to fight the good fight of the faith, to love and be loved, and to not forsake meeting together - for the good of our own souls, for the good of each other, and for the kingdom of God to advance (peace, joy & righteousness, oh yeah!). This is the will of God, may we be the agents of the Lord who are willing to bring it in.

I've seen in myself and in many many Christians around me a very fatalistic view of life. This is much less of an issue for those who aren't Christian. In one sense, yes, whatever happens, does happen, and God's character of love and caring for us is consistent. On the other hand, many Christians become crippled to inaction and helplessness because we don't know how to flow with God. Every once in a while, I'll meet with a believer, hear a sermon, or pray with someone who is very very intense. These people stir up something in my spirit that makes me long to get moving, to lose it all for the sake of the kingdom of God, and to start now. And I'd wonder, "Is this from God? This yearning in my heart to move mountains? Isn't this lack of trust?" Mmm. I'm beginning to believe its not. Check out what Dallas Willard says in Hearing God:

The whatever-comes view. This third mistaken view of how God speaks is commonly adopted and has much to recommend it in terms of the peace of mind and freedom from struggle that it provides. But in fact it amounts to giving up any possibility of a conscious interchange between God and his children. The view even shows up in some of our most loved hymns. There is a well-known hymn entitled "If Thou but Suffer God to Guide Thee." This may seem to be exactly what we are talking about: allowing God to guide us. But when we study the hymn closely we find it counsels us to accept everything that happens as the guidance of God. If you wish to know what God would have you do, it is no help at all to be told that whatever comes is his will. For you are, precisely, in the position of having to decide in some measure what is to come. Does it mean that whatever you do will be God's will? I certainly hope not. We can at least say that if Moses had accepted this view, there would have been no nation of Israel. Perhaps there would have been a nation of "Mosesites" instead. When the people made and worshipped the golden calf while Moses was on Sinai receiving God's commandments, God said to him, "Now let me alone, so that my wrath may burn hot against them and I may consume them; and of you I will make a great nation" (Ex 32:10). Not only did Moses not accept whatever came, he actually and successfully withstood God's own declared intent in the matter, appealing to God's reputation before the surrounding nations and to his friendship with Abraham. "And the Lord changed his mind about the disaster that he had planned to bring on his people" (32:14). Many things that happen are not the will of God, although obviously he does not act to stop them. For example, "the Lord is ... not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance" (2 Pet 3:9). Nevertheless countless people do perish and fail to come to repentance. God's world is an arena in which we have an indispensable role to play. The issue is not simply what God wants but also what we want and will. When we accept whatever comes, we are not receiving guidance. The fact that something happens does not indicate that it is God's will. With respect to many events in our future, God's will is that we should determine what will happen. What a child does when not told what to do is the final indicator of what and who that child is. And so it is for us and our heavenly Father. In opposition to these three mistaken views of discerning God's voice, we have the conversational view, where - in a manner to be explored further - there is an appropriate, clear, specific communication through conscious experience from God to the individual believer within the context of a life immersed in God's kingdom.    Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;      you shall cry for help, and he will say, Here I am ....    The Lord will guide you continually,      and satisfy your needs in parched places,      and make your bones strong;    and you shall be like a watered garden,      like a spring of water, whose waters never fail (Is 58:9, 11)

This completely jives with what I know to be true in my life and in the lives of those who have most displayed the life of Jesus to me. Lord, stir up our faith and let us walk with your vision for our lives! Bring it in Lord!

A sign on the way to work says, "Prayer doesn't change God, it changes us." Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what the sign is saying. But man, if it means what I think it might mean, that's just wacky. That's faithless Christianity, or humanistic religion. The God of this universe and the God of the Bible hears our prayers and is moved by prayer. From cover to cover in the word of God, the hand of God is moved to action when the people of God pray. Certainly he's in the process of changing each one of his children, but that isn't why we pray. We pray because Jesus says, "ask and you'll receive."

you must get this in your spirit! click, save

OK, so the words "discipline" and "self-discipline" really make me cringe. Especially in the context of God, I think of asceticism, harsh desert living conditions (monks & monasteries), total denying thyself praying & fasting, not enjoying life or God but totally Holy out the wazoo. No indulging in good food, no wine, no sex, no crazy laughter, no smiling. Discipline! Be disciplined! Silly kid, always trying to have fun. No discipline. Do your homework. And when I hear the word "godliness" I think of a very austere man or priest or something. Very moral and straight. Priorities sorted out, no nonsense. So .... as a Christian, it would make me sqeamish to read passages like 1 Tim 4:7-9 - "discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trustworthy statement deserving full acceptance. " While meditating on this scripture, I asked God some simple questions about it. I was pleasantly surprised by his answers. "Lord, how do I discipline myself?" - let my heart enter into intimacy with God frequently - enjoy God - allow myself to be transformed by resting, waiting, trusting, and enjoying God - not allowing myself to be conformed to the world "Lord, what is godliness?" - who have I seen in my life that posesses godliness? - a great love for the Lord - a warm, passionate nearness & love - hearing God, sensitive to his desires - willing to obey him without hesitation Thank you Lord. God is in the process of destroying my "letter killeth" view of his word, and teaching me instead how to walk day by day in a relationship with him. What God wants from us isn't earned righteousness, but simply daily communion and relationship. To keep the channels of communication open, to enjoy him, to rejoice in his presence, to be malleable, to remain available & willing, to fulfill his purposes for our lives, which is always really really exciting. Our obedience to him is made possible & given strength thru our intimacy with him. - "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength." - this is indeed the greatest commandment.

Ooops, I should say something about Contact since I said I would ... Let's see ... real quick, as a scientist, and talented astronomer, Jodie Foster is a very "must see to believe, empirical evidence doesn't lie, prove it buster" kind of person. Yet, since her youth she always just knew there were other life forms out there. When she'd look at the sky and the stars, it would fuel her dream and vision to one day find a sign of other life. A part of the plot is that a man of God falls in love with her; they're opposites in the sense that he believes in God and she doesn't. Yet, for some reason, he continues to pursue her and their paths very remarkably cross many times. (SPOILER - don't read this if you still haven't seen the movie and want to watch it) At the end, she ends up makin a trip to the star Vega, where she sees the wonders of the universe - wormholes, distant civilizations, and finally ... she meets the other life forms. The encounter is an interesting one. Upon her return to earth, many onlookers had no idea what she went thru and considered the entire project an utter failure. To them, less than a second had passed; for her, she was gone for over 18 hours. She was left with no proof of her encounters. The final scene has her in front of an inquiry panel, questioning her about her experiences. This is the most telling scene - she can provide no very solid in your face evidence or explanation from a earth perspective, and totally understood the skepticism she was met with. Yet, with every fiber in her body, she knew her encounter was real - and it is her wish that everyone else could know the truth she had found. All the time, she could never understand how a person could believe in God when there seems to be no solid proofs (from her perspective) of his being. Suddenly, she was thrust into the other end of the spectrum, having the eyes of her heart opened. There's really a lot of spiritual themes in this movie. Anyway, it ends at that ... and I enjoyed the movie, quite interesting. It spoke to me somewhat about how I relate to others. That's all.

Just watched the movie Contact, with Jodie Foster. Good movie. Not so much about aliens, much more about God & faith I think. Write more later.

I'm beginning to learn that silence is okay. Sometimes, when praying over the phone with a dear brother, there'd be an extended period of silence. In these moments, I'd find my spirit welling up with joy and peace, yet my mind would say, "self, why is it so quiet. i mean, it's sort of weird, being on the phone and not saying anything .. maybe you should just do something ..." In retrospect, I'm now understanding that those moments of silence are more than just acceptable, they're often the better thing - just as Mary sat at her precious Lord's feet doing nothing but listening, loving, and being loved. "A time honored practice for entering the Prayer of Rest is silence, or the stilling within ourselves of what others have called 'creaturely activity.' ... this means not so much a silence of words as a silence of our grasping, manipulative control of people and situations. It means standing firm against our codependency drives to control everyone and fix everything. This agitated creaturely activity hinders the work of God in us. In silencio, therefore, we still every motion that is not rooted in God. We become quiet, hushed, motionless, until we are finally centered ... We let go of all distractions until we are driven into the Core. We allow God to reshuffle our priorities and eliminate unnecessary froth." - Richard Foster