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OK, so the words "discipline" and "self-discipline" really make me cringe. Especially in the context of God, I think of asceticism, harsh desert living conditions (monks & monasteries), total denying thyself praying & fasting, not enjoying life or God but totally Holy out the wazoo. No indulging in good food, no wine, no sex, no crazy laughter, no smiling. Discipline! Be disciplined! Silly kid, always trying to have fun. No discipline. Do your homework. And when I hear the word "godliness" I think of a very austere man or priest or something. Very moral and straight. Priorities sorted out, no nonsense. So .... as a Christian, it would make me sqeamish to read passages like 1 Tim 4:7-9 - "discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. It is a trustworthy statement deserving full acceptance. " While meditating on this scripture, I asked God some simple questions about it. I was pleasantly surprised by his answers. "Lord, how do I discipline myself?" - let my heart enter into intimacy with God frequently - enjoy God - allow myself to be transformed by resting, waiting, trusting, and enjoying God - not allowing myself to be conformed to the world "Lord, what is godliness?" - who have I seen in my life that posesses godliness? - a great love for the Lord - a warm, passionate nearness & love - hearing God, sensitive to his desires - willing to obey him without hesitation Thank you Lord. God is in the process of destroying my "letter killeth" view of his word, and teaching me instead how to walk day by day in a relationship with him. What God wants from us isn't earned righteousness, but simply daily communion and relationship. To keep the channels of communication open, to enjoy him, to rejoice in his presence, to be malleable, to remain available & willing, to fulfill his purposes for our lives, which is always really really exciting. Our obedience to him is made possible & given strength thru our intimacy with him. - "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength." - this is indeed the greatest commandment.

Ooops, I should say something about Contact since I said I would ... Let's see ... real quick, as a scientist, and talented astronomer, Jodie Foster is a very "must see to believe, empirical evidence doesn't lie, prove it buster" kind of person. Yet, since her youth she always just knew there were other life forms out there. When she'd look at the sky and the stars, it would fuel her dream and vision to one day find a sign of other life. A part of the plot is that a man of God falls in love with her; they're opposites in the sense that he believes in God and she doesn't. Yet, for some reason, he continues to pursue her and their paths very remarkably cross many times. (SPOILER - don't read this if you still haven't seen the movie and want to watch it) At the end, she ends up makin a trip to the star Vega, where she sees the wonders of the universe - wormholes, distant civilizations, and finally ... she meets the other life forms. The encounter is an interesting one. Upon her return to earth, many onlookers had no idea what she went thru and considered the entire project an utter failure. To them, less than a second had passed; for her, she was gone for over 18 hours. She was left with no proof of her encounters. The final scene has her in front of an inquiry panel, questioning her about her experiences. This is the most telling scene - she can provide no very solid in your face evidence or explanation from a earth perspective, and totally understood the skepticism she was met with. Yet, with every fiber in her body, she knew her encounter was real - and it is her wish that everyone else could know the truth she had found. All the time, she could never understand how a person could believe in God when there seems to be no solid proofs (from her perspective) of his being. Suddenly, she was thrust into the other end of the spectrum, having the eyes of her heart opened. There's really a lot of spiritual themes in this movie. Anyway, it ends at that ... and I enjoyed the movie, quite interesting. It spoke to me somewhat about how I relate to others. That's all.

Just watched the movie Contact, with Jodie Foster. Good movie. Not so much about aliens, much more about God & faith I think. Write more later.

I'm beginning to learn that silence is okay. Sometimes, when praying over the phone with a dear brother, there'd be an extended period of silence. In these moments, I'd find my spirit welling up with joy and peace, yet my mind would say, "self, why is it so quiet. i mean, it's sort of weird, being on the phone and not saying anything .. maybe you should just do something ..." In retrospect, I'm now understanding that those moments of silence are more than just acceptable, they're often the better thing - just as Mary sat at her precious Lord's feet doing nothing but listening, loving, and being loved. "A time honored practice for entering the Prayer of Rest is silence, or the stilling within ourselves of what others have called 'creaturely activity.' ... this means not so much a silence of words as a silence of our grasping, manipulative control of people and situations. It means standing firm against our codependency drives to control everyone and fix everything. This agitated creaturely activity hinders the work of God in us. In silencio, therefore, we still every motion that is not rooted in God. We become quiet, hushed, motionless, until we are finally centered ... We let go of all distractions until we are driven into the Core. We allow God to reshuffle our priorities and eliminate unnecessary froth." - Richard Foster

there are so many books in the world.

U2 is a pretty cool band.

I haven't written anything in a long time, well, because life has gotten busy. But ... GO TEXANS!!!! KICK DALLAS BUTT!!!! Right now its the 4th quarter, the Texans are up 17-10 and the Cowboys just fumbled on a kickoff return. Oh yeah.

To be close to the Lord: nothing in life compares to sitting at his feet. A weary heart finds itself bursting with life.

Last night, a pastor said "God has a certain way of reminding us of how weak we really are." Today, I get to ponder firsthand the reality of that statement. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ... that saves a wretch like me. Lord, let me not run away from you, but straight into your arms. I went to a black (african american) church last night, and it was awesome. I didn't expect it; heck I had no idea what I was walkin into. But God is cool and he authors the paths of his children. There's a powerful grabbing-on-to-God faith, a Lord-I-need-you-so-badly intensity that black churches tend to have. The service was overall going pretty nicely, all were having a good time, worshiping God, doing what we do in church. About halfway thru, things got a bit ... different. One organ, one drum set, and a hundred hungry souls = wow. The choir wound up a beautiful beautiful recklessly powerfully raw (thanks Grace) song of praise, and afterward, everyone just kept clapping and dancing with the organ and drums. Man, talk about a Holy Ghost party. The Holy Spirit was really moving in us and among us. "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom," and God was moment by moment freeing and unrestraining our souls to cry out to him and get with him. Things get serious when people are unashamed to get undignified before God. I love praising God with song and dance and lifted hands, but last night really brought something fresh and new into my life that I'll not soon forget. Sometimes in church, its easy to be self-conscious, as a result, I try not to worry about the people around me and tune out to focus on and engage with God. Last night's experience was more about noticing the people around you actually brings you into focus with God ... joining into the stream of rejoicing - all pointed heavenward. There's something so beautiful - such an overwhelming awareness of a greater Glory. Instead of becoming small in order that God will be big - anxious of drawing attention to ourselves, instead, God is so real and so big, so awesome and so glorious, that we can freely praise God however the Holy Ghost is moving on us, and none of our individuality is stripped away, instead is magnified to the glory of God. And none of the glory is taken from the Lord, and how could it be, when the Lord is so glorious? Yeah. Awesome. Of course, needless to say, there's different strengths and revelations within different streams of the Body of Christ. I'm so glad and blessed to have participated in last night's service. Jesus says, blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn ... because to those who are most broken with sin and pain will receive the grace of God to a greater degree. As a subculture in America, black people have had to deal with a lot of hardship. The quality of faith that has risen from the testing in the furnace of affliction - the quality of faith that has risen out of necessity, is apparent. Awesome. Thank you Lord for what you're doing. By your grace, Lord, pour out that intensity - the mighty power of rejoicing and thanksgiving in the face of trials, pour it onto your entire body. So intense ...

I'm thinkin about trying out Maxim's new hair color for men. You know, I'll feel a bit more secure about coloring my hair if I use a manly product. None of that foo-foo L'oreal Frosty Tips for Her kinda stuff. ^_^ 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... let's jam .... AND ... this might be old news to some, but I've just discovered that Cowboy Bebop is THE frickin - COOLEST - cartoon ever. Tonite on Cartoon Network, they've showed like 6 episodes in a row, and man its so entertaining. Even the intro sequence is tres-cool. It has a sort of Snatch (the movie)-ish feel, and I so dig that. If I can find some images, I'll definitely put them in the wallpaper rotation, and post a few here. Seriously, just the intro is the bomb. I love it. Wanna find it in MPEG format or something. The characters are so entertaining and ... you just sorta wanna see what happens to them. The soundtrack is just totally awesome, so catchy. With overall jazz/blues influences, it inspires you to put on the fedora and tap the feet. And the Japanese out-tro is teh winner! At the end of each episode, they show a phrase that sort of sums up the story in a dry humor way, and its pretty well written. Here's a quote from CmdrTaco (of /. fame?) about Cowboy Bebop:

Perhaps the most acclaimed anime series in recent years... but why? Is it the entertaining charachters? The wonderful designs? The fluid animation? The jaw dropping music? The compelling story? I couldn't begin to tell you all the reasons that this series is so amazing. But watching Faye, Spike, Jet, Ed, and Ein all meet up, wander about in their world, and interact is just a joy. If you haven't seen this series, then you're missing something truly special. Start at the beginning: there are 26 diamonds contained here. Enjoy. --CmdrTaco

After I got home this evening, I watched the very end of John Q with my dad. He's a man who gets to a make-or-break point in his life, and he chooses to be dangerous for his family. He sets his face with steely resolve, hardens himself despite fear and doubt, and totally goes for it, simply because, there is no alternative. It's live or die time. He's a father who, when it comes down to the wire, is willing to take it on the chin for his son. There was something really inspiring about the movie, something that felt very familiar to me, the whisper about the character of God. Afterward, I sat down and wrote this: "Lord, you validate me, and make me into that man [of courage]. Because that's your character [willing to be dangerous]. Because you're my hero and I want to be like you. You are unafraid to take it on the chin, to risk humiliation and disgrace for the ones you love. And so I will walk in your footsteps, because you're my hero."

The other night, I saw a guy named Mark Chironna on TV. He's a mail reader. I mentioned what I saw to a fellow co-worker, Bob, over lunch, and boy, was I surprised by his response. I guess I just assumed that Bob probably wouldn't be familiar with what I described. He told me that at his church, West Oaks Fellowship, there is a man who has what they sometimes jokingly refer to as a "parking lot ministry." Apparently this man is quite different from your run of the mill everyday joe. He has inside of him large chunks of scripture. Most Christians memorize a verse or two here and there, this guy has somehow gotten large chunks of the bible inside himself. Memorized entire chapters and books. All living inside of him now. Eaten. This guy seemingly spends more time in the parking lot of the church than inside the walls. He'll randomly strike up conversations with people who are headed inside, "Hi there, how are you today?" Whenever Bob talks to him, he gets the very vulnerable and naked feeling that this man is able to his see insides, and all of Bob's thoughts and the secrets of his heart are laid bare. And apparently he's gifted at not only bringing these issues to the surface, but also lovingly helping people work thru these issues. What an awesome and powerful gift to the body of Christ. I think of what happens when people give themselves to a lifestyle of surrender and worship to God, and day by day, step by step, they grow into intimacy with the Father. And the Father doesn't withhold his secrets, but he allows his children to lean against his chest and listen to his heartbeat, just as John the disciple did, "the one whom Jesus loved." He whispers intimate secrets to those he trusts. According to Bob, this man is sometimes invited to minister to the youth at church. His teaching style is best described as unique. Anyway, its just so cool and weird how these things come together. Bob is an older guy at my workplace, who loves God a lot, but I'd have never expected to hear a story like this from him. Thanks.

The woman said to Him, "Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw." Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come here." The woman answered and said, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You have well said, "I have no husband,' for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly." The woman said to Him, "Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, and you Jews say that in Jerusalem is the place where one ought to worship." Jesus said to her, "Woman, believe Me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." The woman said to Him, "I know that Messiah is coming" (who is called Christ). "When He comes, He will tell us all things." Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am He."

Sometimes, when I'm just hangin' out, thinkin about life and chillin with God, I'll feel the eyes of the prophet upon my own soul. I see the steady gaze of Jesus into my own eyes and I feel weak in the knees because I know that he KNOWS. In that steady gaze, all my folly and weakness is laid out. In the very moment when I realize I could so easily be crushed, I instead find healing for all my wounds, and forgiveness for my sin - like cool water to a parched and beaten man. The gaze isn't one of condemnation but of righteousness and tender love. And he always says to me, time and time again in that moment of nakedness and vulnerability, "Take courage, my son."

One of the greatest mysteries of life is that life is a mystery. The human mind, particularly the western mind, has an insatiable desire to explain everything. All things must be explained, all things must be understood, broken down to their bare essentials, and then broken down even further. The questions are always there, Why? and How? What I find very scary and very liberating is to relinquish control. To let go of the need to know why. To trust. And not just in a general, "ok, I'll never know so instead I'll guess I'll just trust," but to really really let it go. Completely just not know, but trust anyway. It doesn't make sense, it might seem foolish, it might cost, but heck, what do I really have to lose anyway? Heh. Its funny, this experience of living in a world and knowing God, and living with people who don't know God, and trying to reconcile the differences and the similarities. The thing about a heart that is in pursuit of God is that the path that God takes us on is completely insensitive to the demands of the world. So, the people around us tend to scratch their heads, huh? what in the world is this guy thinking? But the frickin amazing thing of it all is this: two things that don't belong together end up together- mystery and peace. The mystery of not knowing what the future holds. The mystery of not knowing why things have progressed the way they have, why my circumstances are the way they are, and why I am the way I am. The mystery of not even knowing what today holds. And in the midst of all these unknowns - surprisingly is PEACE. When the whole world is fighting for control of their lives, endlessly attempting to manipulate the circumstances around them. Striving for a sense of security, to be masters of our own destiny. Hungry for love, looking for someone to satisfy the longing for intimacy, or perhaps, disappointed by people, then seeking something that satisfies. Or, eager for success, because money does bring the power to control our future outcome, and it gives security and happiness, and well ... you know, everyone else is doin' it, so why shan't I? Yet the soul who has tasted and met the true and living God - the storms might swirl around, the proverbial poo may be hitting the fan, even when the tragedy of tragedy strikes ... the soul who knows God begins to understand every day that there is no such thing as control. And in that is an unquenchable peace. The peace of knowing a love that is unchanging. A love that is constant, not changing and shifting like people who are imperfect, and relationships that disappoint, but is constant - the only true foundation that can be stood upon and the only thing that never changes. Not with circumstances, not with our behavior, not with anything. A compelling love that exchanges God's abundant life for my life of sorrow and frustration. A love that continually and overwhelmingly pours out itself to cover over and flow into the objects of his affections. Not a one time deal, in a distant past story of someone else's life, but a here and now and forever abiding love. This awesome love that begins to paint a different picture, that wooes us and summons us and beckons us away from the temporal, from what will inevitably disintegrate and *poof*, and instead, beckons us and calls us toward something unseen, yet so unbelievably real, so pure, so relieving to the thirstiest of souls. And so the God of the universe invites each of us, personally, to give up the things that we can't keep, in order to find the things that we can never lose, can never be taken away, that reside in the very depths of our being. Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

"God never ceases to speak to us, but the noise of the world without and the tumult of our passions within bewilder us and prevent us from listening to him." - Fenelon