"You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom." It's so difficult to be deadly honest with myself. Many times, its easier to just be either in denial with regards to where my heart is, to feel perfectly justified and OK. Either that, or the tendency shifts to the other end of the spectrum, where its easy to become mindlessly self-deprecating, exhibiting before God a false sense of humility. But to just sit in the light, and let God examine the heart is scary. I'm scared to find out who I really am, how there is no possible way for me to measure up to God's standard - and even if I know this in my mind, I deny it in my heart .. but if I listen closely to the Lord and just sit still and stop trying to justify myself all the time, I know it ... I am woefully inadequate in all regards. And even the areas where I think I am strongest, are my "redemptive qualities," are of the most value, are really utterly meaningless. But at that place of helplessness, there are two roads - either a road to despair and self-pity. Or a road that is shining bright with the light of God's love, to say, "I love you and have given myself up for you." I still can hardly grasp the mystery of Jesus' life dwelling inside of me, yet everyday the evidence flows forth in abundance, of the love of God, the hope of God, the kindness of God, the justice of God and what I really need to do is to sit still, stop squirming around, to rest and relax in the love of Christ, to see, and to believe. (ok i'm not even going to bother to be coherent anymore) Anyway, not with the intention to be introspective, but the wrestling has continued and I've not been very submissive to the will of God - rebellion. And even though our culture seems to suggest submission is a bad thing, a sign of weakness or lack of spine. Well maybe, but its a pretty honest posture before the Creator of all things to submit and acknowledge my weakness and his greatness. To try and stand proud before him is some crazy talk and an invitation for an appointment with the humble stick. But yeah, submission to God is not necessarily a painful thing, but the most beautiful and desirable thing, despite what our culture teaches us about the word "submit." The greatest evidence of this truth is to observe the life of someone who is continually submissive to the Lord, and inevitably the fragrance of their lives is so sweet and lovely, and quite different to the other flavors of the world. Of greatest, eternal value, delightful to God and fragrant before man. I'm writing all of this because, noting the lack of entries in the past weeks, I've found it difficult to write about anything in particular, and while I see other journalists (heh heh) deferring writing about themselves to linking to other articles, giving commentary to the world's Goings Ons -- for myself I find that to be a sort of busyness, a distraction, and a simple indulgence that's not really worth the "breath" so to speak. But yeah, I've been unable to update probably because of a resistance to firstly be honest with myself before the Lord, and then secondly to be honest and transparent before whatever you are (internet people). So here's my first foray back into this place ... and oh what a rambling mess ..